January 26th, 2026 (orbit #n)
https://open.spotify.com/track/3n6tXOLOrgMiXTAsTBNWDj?si=4f4ffcb99a6f4c33
Like the moon orbiting the earth, the earth orbiting the sun, the sun orbiting the larger Milky Way galaxy, on a smaller scale, there are ideas orbiting my head over and over again without a clear starting point or finish line. I am where I am supposed to be, no, everyone else is living a connected life, yes, I enjoy solitude, and I am able to observe others, but what if I am missing out on a secret that everyone else knows? How do they know what they want so clearly, and if they don’t, how do they commit in the face of uncertainty? how can they say so? Maybe I just don’t like being wrong, so I always want to stay in the grey? I can’t make up my mind on anything, and that doesn’t seem normal, because that is how the world seems to work, and yet there exists so much literature describing exactly how I feel, and I am nature, so I am where I am supposed to be, THIS (smack!) is how I am supposed to be... But I am disappointed and understanding and saddened and something else I cannot put into words at the moment. How I react to each orbit is also an orbit of its own, from tears to anger to dizziness to sea legs to suffer surrender, back to wails again and again and again and again tangoing round and round and round.
As I write, I struggle to string words in order; second-guess and delete every thought I ever had, and hate disappointed dislike how inauthentic everything sounds as I try to keep up with the fast cycles to capture each confusion. That’s not the right word, not the correct tone, too long a thought than the split second I had, and too flowery or too simple to explain the sensation in my chest, especially once they are all neatly in order, like they were never supposed to be this way. Maybe if I were to be a talented painter or musician, these ideas would manifest in a way authentic to their form (eye roll this is so dramatic and fake), but I am no painter nor musician; just a person with a laptop bored again from watching too much TV three days in a row and now waiting for something new, exciting, stimulating, but don’t know what.