How to Relax in a Bunker

10 Jan, 2026

My father recently read my birth chart—not astrology, but what we call the Four Pillars of Destiny (사주팔자) ¹. Apparently, it says the field in which I will thrive most is one where I create and tell stories, where I speak the truth without restraint. In the same vein, it says I reach my fullest potential when I am relaxed, untethered, and unstressed—that I need to let go of structure and learn to go with the flow so that good fortune can move freely and help me showcase my talents.

It was comforting to hear that my primary area of interest is, in fact, the one I am meant to pursue—that I am not forcing myself toward something that was never in the cards I was dealt in this lifetime.

But hearing that I need to relax made me feel conflicted. I’ve been given this advice for as long as I can remember, and I still don’t know how to follow it. It feels like telling someone to stop looking at the world with their eyes and instead look at it with their kneecaps. Do I even have the right organs to perform such a task?

Recently, someone asked if I was doing okay. When I asked why, they said they were concerned after reading what I’d been writing. At the time, I was actually feeling fine—better, even—after a few rough months. I thought my writing had become less “dark,” more a series of general contemplations about the world. The only answer I could offer in that moment was, “Oh, I guess I’m always a little bit depressed,” to lighten the mood and brush it off as nothing serious. But it’s true.

I used to be more severely depressed and took medication to manage it, along with my anxiety. These days, my depression looks different. I no longer suffer from chronic panic attacks or thoughts of self-harm, but like a tragic play, dramatic.

There is no such thing as being nonchalant or chill in my dictionary. Every small thing—a fallen feather, a sudden gust of wind—sets my mind spinning with thoughts and swells my heart with emotion I must observe, probe, and fiercely protect. Even when I am in a very good mood, I’ve been described as manic, over-energized, buzzing at a pace that makes onlookers uneasy, as if I might bump into and shatter everything in my path. Like a dog let outside for the first time in hours, aware it only has thirty minutes of “freedom” on a leash before being hauled back home, I feel compelled to soak in every ounce of joy before it is blanketed once again.

Earlier today, I was sitting by myself with no music, no books, no phones, and I felt as if I could hear the blood rushing through my body. I took out my journal and wrote where I was in that moment:

I’m stuck in a bunker in the middle of a war I didn't start and don’t even understand the context of. Even while trying to enjoy the quiet moments by leaning on distractions, I am always on edge, waiting for the next bomb to drop and cover my life in dust and grime again. I am always in fear, yet constantly caught off guard. I am some cowardly soldier who writes everything down because I don’t want to forget these moments when I could only watch my brother in arms run into battle.

So, all in all, if anyone has any advice on becoming more chill… my destiny (and my poor mother, who always listens to me rant) will be very thankful.